An End of an Era...

Happy New Year.

However, I'm glad it is over. I hope 2005 will go down in my life as the worst year ever, because I don't think I can handle much worse. A year ago today I had everything and it was only getting better. Then, everything went downhill. Who is to blame? Me? I guess so. I am the one who put things in motion. Sure, if certain people understood me better, things may have gone differently, but because those people didn't, I must be better off, because they weren't who I thought they were. That, my friends, is downright logical, and that is what gets me through the day. Or, were there other things going on? Did I act to harsh? Were my actions self-serving prophecies? As I replay moments again in my mind, I think they were. By cutting all communication with Mary, of course there was no chance. Of course I couldn't rationalize staying friends with someone who I loved the way I did, and watch them start new relationships. How would I get over it, if I was constantly upset that I wasn't "the one"? It's sort of funny. When I went to Florida for Spring Break, being away from her for only that week was enough to click in my head that I didn't want to be away from her ever again. She also went to Florida on Spring Break and it seems came to the exact opposite of that realization. I could write a book on what I think are the reasons why it turned out the way it did, what I think about it now, what hurt the worst, all of that "after the fact" crap but I'll stop here.

2005 wasn't without its good moments. I did graduate from college, as bittersweet as that is/was, for different reasons. I found that I do love to teach. So knowing my last 4 and a half years weren't a waste is good. Plus, I can maybe now try a dream of mine, and if I fail, I still have a college degree to fall back on.

My life as of recent is pretty crazy. I missed Grad school deadlines. I figured I could just work at Media Play and just hang out and have fun in Buffalo. No sooner did I form that plan, was I informed that Media Play is going out of business. Now I am without a job in the next month or so. All the cool people I met at Media Play, plus all the great deals on shit I love to buy, are gone. So, do I look for new employment for only a couple months and stay in Buffalo? Do I move back home? I could substitute teach. I don't want to do that in the city, when I could have it easy at home, in the suburbs, for more pay. If I live home, as long as I sub three times a month I could pay Dan and Ryan rent and still have gas money to get around (obviously I would want to sub as much as possible and make more money than that, but you get my point). I could spend all my free time going to the gym everyday and writing. I could hang out with Jim, who I talk to the most, even though we live so far away. Matt and the Hontzs are also home, and I'm sure we'd all hang out. In Buffalo I have Dan, Ryan and Greg. With conflicting schedules I hardly hang with those guys. I guess it is apparent which direction I am leaning.

Once home, one of four things would take place for my immediate future. A.) I would actively seek employment in the Tampa area of Florida for the Fall of 2006. B.) I would start my Masters at either B.U. or Cortland as soon as possible. C.) I would try going out to California. D.) I would try and go to Chicago. C and D are more of dreams, where A and B are feasible realities.

I don't like making decisions.

I also don't think I am going to do a journal any longer. Certainly not one like this where I bitch. If I do continue it, it will simply be a place for me to post/practice stories and ideas.