An End of an Era...

Happy New Year.

However, I'm glad it is over. I hope 2005 will go down in my life as the worst year ever, because I don't think I can handle much worse. A year ago today I had everything and it was only getting better. Then, everything went downhill. Who is to blame? Me? I guess so. I am the one who put things in motion. Sure, if certain people understood me better, things may have gone differently, but because those people didn't, I must be better off, because they weren't who I thought they were. That, my friends, is downright logical, and that is what gets me through the day. Or, were there other things going on? Did I act to harsh? Were my actions self-serving prophecies? As I replay moments again in my mind, I think they were. By cutting all communication with Mary, of course there was no chance. Of course I couldn't rationalize staying friends with someone who I loved the way I did, and watch them start new relationships. How would I get over it, if I was constantly upset that I wasn't "the one"? It's sort of funny. When I went to Florida for Spring Break, being away from her for only that week was enough to click in my head that I didn't want to be away from her ever again. She also went to Florida on Spring Break and it seems came to the exact opposite of that realization. I could write a book on what I think are the reasons why it turned out the way it did, what I think about it now, what hurt the worst, all of that "after the fact" crap but I'll stop here.

2005 wasn't without its good moments. I did graduate from college, as bittersweet as that is/was, for different reasons. I found that I do love to teach. So knowing my last 4 and a half years weren't a waste is good. Plus, I can maybe now try a dream of mine, and if I fail, I still have a college degree to fall back on.

My life as of recent is pretty crazy. I missed Grad school deadlines. I figured I could just work at Media Play and just hang out and have fun in Buffalo. No sooner did I form that plan, was I informed that Media Play is going out of business. Now I am without a job in the next month or so. All the cool people I met at Media Play, plus all the great deals on shit I love to buy, are gone. So, do I look for new employment for only a couple months and stay in Buffalo? Do I move back home? I could substitute teach. I don't want to do that in the city, when I could have it easy at home, in the suburbs, for more pay. If I live home, as long as I sub three times a month I could pay Dan and Ryan rent and still have gas money to get around (obviously I would want to sub as much as possible and make more money than that, but you get my point). I could spend all my free time going to the gym everyday and writing. I could hang out with Jim, who I talk to the most, even though we live so far away. Matt and the Hontzs are also home, and I'm sure we'd all hang out. In Buffalo I have Dan, Ryan and Greg. With conflicting schedules I hardly hang with those guys. I guess it is apparent which direction I am leaning.

Once home, one of four things would take place for my immediate future. A.) I would actively seek employment in the Tampa area of Florida for the Fall of 2006. B.) I would start my Masters at either B.U. or Cortland as soon as possible. C.) I would try going out to California. D.) I would try and go to Chicago. C and D are more of dreams, where A and B are feasible realities.

I don't like making decisions.

I also don't think I am going to do a journal any longer. Certainly not one like this where I bitch. If I do continue it, it will simply be a place for me to post/practice stories and ideas.

"They Plant Crops...

...as we prepare for war!"

If anyone can name where that quote came from, I will give you a dollar. Yes, a whole dollar.


Speaking of quotes, I saw The Weather Man and it is amazing. Absolutely amazing. I stole Dan's write up about it, because if you can't tell by now, I believe that there is no need to come up with your own way to say something, if someone else said it better, already. Here is his review:

"And another thing. Go see The Weather Man. Its a brilliant movie, and upon first viewing, its vaulted into my 10 most enjoyable films. Its a character study in how at any given time, one part of your life can be comepletely falling apart, and in another part of your life things can be going like gangbusters, and yet, through it all, you're completely unfufilled. I related to a ton of things in the movie, and it was one of the great times that a movie really hits home. That being said, I'm buying it as soon as it comes out."

It was also absolutely hilarious. Many times I was the only one laughing in the theater (only seven or so people were in there) so it reminded me of that one "McJoke" from Eternal Sunshine. Wolfman highly recommends this film.


Recent purchases:

Neil Diamond "12 Songs" Brilliant. Rick Rubin produced and the album is amazing all the way through. The first track has to be called "Oh Mary" of course and be the saddest song ever written, coupled with the fact that it is about "Mary." Neil, you bastard...but I still want to party with you.

Beloved "Kiss It Good-Bye" Their farewell concert, with a couple extra features. It was only 6 bucks and it was well worth it.

Green Day "Bullet in a Bible" It's Green Day, live. It has a CD and a DVD. Need I say more?



Working at Media Play continues to be awesome. I've been training new people lately. I keep having them go look in the basement for things for me. We don't have a basement!! Today the kid I did it to didn't think it was funny and I think he hates me now. No one should go through life without having a sense of humor, even if they are the butt of the joke. Yesterday I worked in the backroom, which is awesome. We break down boxes of products, play Kanye and talk about metal and other topics of interest, like Jim Henson Productions, why people go to Media Play to buy porn, why people go to Media Play to buy Anime Porn and how delicious 3 Cheese Nacho Burritoes are.

Speaking of Media Play, it looks like on Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving for all of you who live under a rock) I will be doing Security! Awesome. I'll stand at the exit and intimidate people. This may be a new career path.


I am still loving Student Teaching. The kids seem to respond well to me and respect me. I like that. I think the Hot Art Student Teacher Down The Hall has a boyfriend, so that is hella lame. She still talks to me a lot, but I'm getting that "vibe." I don't like that. My teacher invited me over for Thanksgiving and that was nice, but I'm going home.


Walk The Line is a great movie. If you are looking for something to do, I would go and see that, even if you are not a Johnny Cash fan.


Random:

Dan told me that no one breaks out into song with me because I make up songs as I go and no one knows the words. Then at work my manager told me that while I was in the backroom, her and all the new people she was giving orientation to heard me singing to myself. Apparently I sing to myself too much.

My Life, Put To Music

I was stocking CDs at work yesterday and as I was doing the Soundtrack section I thought about what the soundtrack to my life would be. Instead of doing the whole span of my life, I'm only going to do a "day in the life" take on it. I think this may be more fun than picking who would play me in a movie, based on my life (although that would be fun too).

So here it is, the tracklisting to my life and the reasons why:

1. Mama Cass "Make Your Own Kind of Music" Ever since I heard it on the Season Two premiere of Lost I instantly fell in love with this song and the lyrics. It's upbeat music, juxtaposed with a strong message of being on your own and having fun with it. Usually this song, or BJ Thomas' "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" are the first things I listen to when I wake up.

2. Shai Hulud "Being Exemplary" The title says it all. It's a good song about doing what is right to be a model for others to follow, specifically here, for children.

3. Slick Shoes "Last" The music is fast and the lyrics ring so true to how I often feel. The song also takes me back to High School. Perfect track for this moment.

4. Stylez D. "New Shit" If Will Smith can rap on his own movie soundtracks, than I can too.

5. Emery "Walls" The song deals with building up walls around yourself (clever title, huh?). I think I do that a lot to avoid letting people in, which probably explains why I sit home alone most weekend nights. Also, one of the last lyrics rings very true.

6. Ducktales Theme Song (in German) The greatest 30 seconds you will ever hear.

7. Thrice "Ultra Blue" Really I could pick any Thrice song and could relate it to my life, but this one is about pursuing what is true, and I am constantly on the search for truth.

8. Talking Heads "Once In A Lifetime" Awesome song with great lyrics. I would use this song for the same exact reason the Truman Show used it. When that movie came out, I asked my cousin Ryan to tell me if my life was like the Truman Show and he was just an actor, and he swore to me that he would tell me if it was...he never has. Despite that, I still think someone is watching my life and getting enjoyment out of it.

9. Slick Shoes "Feeble" Both these Slick Shoes songs came off of their first full-length, and I think the headspace that the lyricist was in is more similar to where I am at, than in their later albums, hence two song selections from the same album. Good sound byte from the Goonies at the beginning of the track, explaining where the band got their name. Also, again, the song is fast and the lyrics are so accurate it is creepy.

10. Killswitch Engage "A Bid Farewell" I had to throw at least one metal song on here to keep up my cred. This song starts off their lastest album and definitely sets the precedent for the rest of the album. The song deals with getting rid of the bad things in your life. "Severing the ties" as they put it. Best lyric, "This is all I am, this is all that's left. Turn from deceit, the love of self is death." People need to care less about themselves and more about each other. Wolfman approves. This goes back to being exemplary (see what I did there? A "call-back" or to some a "holla-back").

11. Glory Of This "Circle Yes or No" No song on their album, lyrically, fits in perfectly, but a lot come close. The mood of the music throughout the album does fit well though. I decided on this song because it feels like it has the most raw emotion to it and there are certain parts that fit perfectly. Most notably, "Why settle for less, when you could have the best?" Maybe not the most original line, but it is very pithy.

12. Chiodos "Baby, You Wouldn't Last a Minute on the Creek" Fantastic song with great lyrics. I highly recommend this band. They have great song title, such as "No Hardcore Dancing in the Living Room" , "There's No Penguins in Alaska" and "One Day Women Will Become Monsters."

13. Blink 182 "Carousel" My favorite Blink song. I love the bass intro and the lyrics. I was glad to see that they included it on their greatest hits.

14. Kanye West "Jesus Walks" Kanye walks the line of being goofy and extremely serious very well, and I respect that. He'll do songs like "Workout Plan" but then he will do a serious song like "Heard 'Em Say." This song has balls. I particularly appreciate the following lines, "I wanna talk to God, but I'm afraid cuz we ain't spoke in so long" and the facial features line, which is really smart, because any person who isn't mentally retarded should understand that Jesus wasn't white, like the picture we see of him show. I also like how he admits rappers are role models and they don't think about what they say, along with calling out the music industry about not playing this song because it talks about God. Good use in that Jarhead commercial too.

15. Beach Boys "Wouldn't It Be Nice" This or Sloop John B are probably my favorite Beach Boys songs. Just picture the scene in 50 First Dates where Adam Sandler is on the boat singing along, alone...just like the Truman Show, I'm stealing this moment too.

16. Digger "String in My Throat" Fantastic band. One of the best lines in the history of music, "My heart's heavy like sand, you heat it up and then, it just turns into glass, and it's easy for you to smash." The song is about trying to talk to someone and you get that "string in your throat" from being chocked up.

17. Joey Ramone "What A Wonderful World" I couldn't decide between this one or the original, but ultimately I decided on this one because it's Joey Fucking Ramone. I'm happy with my choice. I think this is a good song to end the soundtrack, on an optimistic note, when most of the tracks were not.

I could have kept going, but I think this is enough. Enjoy the list.

The Great Divorce

I got the newest Twista CD and the Paul Wall one for free the other day at work. They were free promos and they were the best things Media Play had, so I took them. I listened to half of Twista and it is good, but not as good as I expected it to be. Paul Wall is a double, with the regular CD and a Screwed and Chopped one, and I haven't listened to it at all. Probably the next couple of days I'll get to it.

I also bought the Glory of This album, after putting it off for over a year. I listened to it today on the way to and from work, and it is amazing. Good buy.

I went to a Halloween party last weekend and it was a lot of fun. The four guys hosting it dressed up like the dudes from Anchorman...it was awesome. This guy and girl came as Mr. and Ms. Incredible, and they looked perfect. I bought an escaped convict costume and it was way too tight and didn't show off my package, so I stuck a wool sock, stuffed with a regular sock, in my pants. It looked ridiculous. After the party Dan and I went to ETS to get some tacos. As I am standing there waiting for my food, this girl comes up to me and says "This is weird, but are you Liquid Rhythms?" I said "What?" She said, "I see your Solid State hoodie and heard you talking, and I put it together. You are Liquid, aren't you?" "Uh, yeah I am." "I knew it! Wait, it's really you from New York City?" "Yeah." "If it is you, what did you do down there?" "I was/am a DJ." "Oh my God. Wait, what kind of music did you play?" "I just call it house music, but I guess just dance/techno, some industrial. Usually I pick half of what I play and the station picks the rest." "If it is you, what station were you on?" "I had a lot of stations on the East Coast. I don't know which one in the city, but it was in the 90." This conversation went on for a while and she kept trying to figure out if I was really this guy. Eventually she asked me to take a picture with her and as I stood there, she kept rubbing my stomach and shit. Then I asked if she wanted anything else and Dan and I left. This poor girl thinks she has a picture of her and this DJ, but it's only me. I'm a bad person.

Last night I hung out with Greg and we went to William's apartment. It was a lot of fun seeing those guys and catching up. We almost watched Moonskuad the Movie, but it never made it's way to the VCR, which was probably a good thing. Met some cool people, played some cool drinking games, and only acted moderately gay (in comparison to how I usually get when drinking).



Sorry if my last post come off as too harsh to people reading my journal. The whole thing just confused me and I guess I could have reacted better.


Did anyone see that special on MTV with Kanye, where he sang and talked about his songs? At one point he brought his mother on stage and sang "Hey Mama" to her. If I was a pussy and actually cried, I may have shed a tear. It was pretty powerful.

What's funny?!? I'll beat your ass!

Random:

The "Hot Subway Chick" is the same girl as the "Hot Art Student-Teacher Down the Hall." Now I have to find out if she is the "Single Hot Art Student-Teacher Down the Hall Who Is Into Bald Social Studies Student-Teachers Who Eat a Lot Of Subs."

Sweet and Sour Wolf

I came home yesterday, which was a long day, to applause, provided by my boyfriend Dan. I can think of only one or two nicer things to come home to. Then he says, "I think you should go check your computer screen." Honestly, I was fearful. Did he find that infamous gapping asshole picture? Did he take a picture of his penis and put it as my background? My mind raced with ideas as I walked to my room. I reached for the mouse, grabbed it, and jiggled it ever so hesitantly. Then, in giant letters, filling the entire screen, Dan had written "I love Kyle Wolf! Love Dan." It may be the sweetest thing a man has ever done for me. Good guy.

Oh yeah, and Ryan is a good guy too. I was taking a leak the other morning, and as I was looking at the toilet, and my penis, all of a sudden his shaving cream fell into the bowl. Thankfully it didn't splash me. I continued peeing on it, until my bladder was empty. Then I used a plastic bag and grabbed it out of the pee/water mixture. Pretty graphic. I felt/feel really bad, but it wasn't like I touched it or the shelf at all, because, let's face it, I had both hands holding my gigantic penis at the appropriate angle to hit inside of the bowl. Despite what you may have heard, it is a two hand job. Ryan was very understanding, and I appreciated that. What an odd moment it was for me though because I was still half asleep and it felt almost like a dream or I was watching it happen to someone else.

Dan made cookies yesterday, and I ate some...I didn't want it to turn into the whole Halloween candy "help yourself" fiasco.

Last not I had three dreams that felt so real that when they woke me up I couldn't believe it was a dream at all. All three involved sex and I woke up with three enormous erections. Erections so big that they woke me up. People broke into our house and I slept through it! Erections so big I had trouble falling back asleep because I couldn't lay on my stomach. These were big fucking erections. I guess you can figure out some of the things I've been dwelling upon lately. These were three very specific dream sequences. Very odd. But I can't understate the amount of hardened dick that occurred from all three dreams. My dick was hard enough to nail a screw into a 2X4. Yeah that's right, a screw!

In completely and totally unrelated news, I swear:

If I have stopped communicating with you, why do you look at my journal? Say for example, I blocked your screen name, why would you use your sister's name to read my stupid journal and see what I am up to? Just an hypothetical example. I speak specifically to those of you who I may still be having trouble dealing with, and seeing you check up on me only makes it that much harder. Now I understand that you may not care about me and how I feel (although you must if you take the time to read about me, but anyway) please stop. I have enough shit I'm going through and trying to figure out to not keep having these feelings coming back and complicating my life more. Of course, maybe you enjoy the fact that I am not happy, and you like to read about it. Whatever the case is, I'm not going to do anything about it. I know when it happens and I know when it doesn't happen. I'm just sick of caring about it and I want it to be completely over so I can keep trying to move on. But whatever, I'm just going to start rambling more, so I'll quit now.


In completely and totally unrelated news, I swear:

I think I may have figured out love. I need more time, but that'll be most likely my next post.


Random:

Take some time out of your day and find out what an IP Address is.

Difficult Takes A Day, Impossible Takes A Week

Today was my last day at my first placement of Student Teaching. It was sad leaving a lot of the students who I bonded with. A lot of them really liked me and I gave them attention that they didn't get at home. I got a lot of hugs and some nice comments on a "Good Luck" card that was passed around. I even had a male student give me a hug, it was one of those pat the back hugs, but it was a hug nonetheless. The one guy I really bonded with is the oldest of his siblings, has a mother who is mentally retarded, no dad at home (making this 13 year old the most mature person in his household), and was also one of the top 5 smartest kids I worked with on a daily basis, wrote something particularly nice to me. Then there are the few students who I want to wear a ski-mask and go there and beat the fuck out of...I'm going to be such a good teacher. Oh, and on Wednesday a student called me "sexy." I was wearing my glasses, I took them off, brushed my eyebrows, and as I looked up, I saw here mouth "he's so sexy." I thought she was talking about someone else, but then a girl next to her asked "who?" and she said "Mr. Wolf." Now if I could only get girls over 13 to think that.


In music news I bought a handful of CDs:

Coheed and Cambria - Really good album. My second favorite of theirs.

The Bled - I have only listened to it once, but it already is keeping me interested.

With Honor - Really good hardcore. Sort of like Comeback Kid. Group vocals and shouting, not screaming.

Thrice - This album is amazing. I bought the special edition and the extra booklet has commentary on every song by the band members, along with lots of extra commentaries about the album. I eat it up. I highly recommend this album.

Weerd Science - The drummer from Coheed's rap project. It is amazing. Check him out at purevolume.com

Speaking of purevolume, I have about 5 raps currently rotating in and out of purevolume (I can only have 3 up at a time). I put my freestyle rap in response to Kris's bullshit to a beat and that'll be up soon, along with a new one I layed down just today. If you go to www.purevolume.com/stylezdwolf and click on "Bio" I have one written, and if I ever get good digital pictures I will put them up too. Get the word out on Stylez D. Spread that shit out.


I bought a new watch on Monday. It is fucking awesome. It isn't digital, but it has a digital phoenix rising in the background, behind the hands. It is real cool. All my students got a big kick out of it. When we were looking at watches, Ryan wanted to look at one that came in a pink tin, so as he asked the female employee to see it, I said "This is the only time he has ever showed any interest in a pink box." I think it may have been the funniest thing I have ever said.


Last Saturday I got home from work and I just said to Dan, "Dude, we cannot stay in on another weekend night, he have to go and do something." So we went to this bar and it was just awful. Crowded with a bunch of douchebag dudes, loud music and expensive beer. All we did was bitch about how pathetic we are, but then we really bonded and it turned out to be a wonderful night. I know that shit sounds corny, but it was a really good time. Dan's a good friend.


Work continues to go well. I like Media Play a lot.


Random:

Get Stylez D. out there!!!

Ungaggable

Last Wednesday I went and saw "Waiting." I scored some free passes for a pre-screening and Greg, Dan, Ryan, and Mario went. The movie is hilarious. If you are looking for a lot of laughs I recommend it. They gave us free posters, which were rolled up in like a tube, and through out the evening Dan and I made much poster tube to dick touching. We'd put the tube on the other's crotch and hum, so it would vibrate. No wonder we can't get girlfriends. I also tried to break out into song again, but to no avail. No one wants to back me up. After the movie we came home and watched Lost on DVR, which is fucking awesome. Both Lost and DVR, that is. It was a good day.

On Thursday, I woke up, drove to the Hyatt and read my paper that I won the essay contest with. Well, I didn't read it, but summarized it and took questions. It would have been ridiculous for all three of the winners to read their entire papers and still had time for questions. I had some good questions asked of me and some good discussions followed. It was a very good experience. I spent the rest of the day at workshops and eating free food. Then I went to Cole's with some Social Studies people and that was nice as well. It is always nice to catch up. All in all, it was a good day.

Friday I gave out a test at school, and we had shortened periods for a pep rally. Holy shit, this was practically anarchy. The school is three floors, and each floor has a color, and depending on where your homeroom is, is what color you are. I am on the "red floor." The school was selling the different color shirts and at least 90 % of the students bought them. I'[ve never seen school spirit like that. So I had my red shirt on and as I'd monitor the halls in between classes the kids were just yelling at one another to get get off their floors and shit. I was surprised no fights broke out. Then at the actually pep rally kids were running up on stage, throwing shit, and just going nuts. It was quite an experience. Then I went to work and that was rather unproductive.

On Saturday I went to the fancy ass banquet for the "Association for the Study of African-American Life and History" where I was to receive my scholarship. I get there, and I am the only one not wearing a suit jacket, of course. Not only do I stick out for being one of 4 white people in the entire room, but I don't have a jacket on. Then they sit us at the head, elevated table in front of everyone. The food was absoultely amazing. Probably the second or third fanciest meal I have ever eaten. Then when I got my award I gave a little thank you, and got the biggest laugh of the night. I said "I'd also like to thank the essay judges, for recognizing my brillance." Then there was deafening silence, as over 200 black intellectuals just stared blankly at me, a drop of sweat rolls down my brow, then uproarious laughter commenced for a good 30 seconds, and as the laughter died I lend in to the microphone and said "even if it was only third place brillance" and more laughter followed. Fuck the money, I got all the robot intellectuals to finally laugh at me, after trying all day. That is what I thought about as I walked out of the Hyatt. Then on the ride home I decided to use my money to buy some nicer clothes, a little Szweda advice. Maybe a nic epair of jeans or two, instead of the worn ones I have been wearing for over 4 years. Maybe a couple nice shirts and a new watch. We'll see. I'm sure I'll buy some CDs and movies too though. Maybe try to get a date. Who knows? Oh yeah, and I saw Lauren, who works at the Hyatt. That was random and extremely cool. I was walking out of the lobby and I looked over and there she was at the counter. It was really nice catching up with her.

Yesterday I went to the Bills game with a lot of my family and that was a lot of fun. They won. Saw a guy run across the field and then get tackled by security. It was awesome.


Random:

Dan is not a pussy. He is a good guy, I wish he would just talk to me so I could tell him I truly mean that. Dan, I'm sorry. Again, I don't really think you are a pussy. Please forgive me.