Ladies! Ladies! Ladies!

Ladies, do you like men who are tall, dark and balding!?! Well if you do, do we have a catch for you!! We have a man who is going to be a high school social studies teacher because he "will never get too old to check out hott high school girls." A quick Google search showed that the average length of a man's penis is 5.5 - 6 inches long. When asked, Kyle said, "well my wiener is slightly longer than average then." Did you hear that, not only does he say the word "wiener" but his is "slightly" bigger than average. What a catch!! (Keep in mind that Kyle measured his penis himself and was watching gay porn at the time). If Kyle sounds like your kind of man, then IM him at DerelictPI.

P.S. He also has an obsession with his feet being rubbed...and he has toe knuckle hair, sort of like a Hobbit. Just to let you know.




Yo, what up bitches!!??!?!

I had a good weekend. Went to Duffs on Friday with Jim, Greg, Matt, Kim, Dan and Ryan. I had a real good time, even though they all made fun of me a lot. Some of the highlights were when Dan spilled a pitcher of water all over the place, Greg becoming a member of AAA and yelling "Schneider.....Out!"

After Duffs Matt, Kim, Jim and I went back to Matt's and watched Along Came Polly. It was a funny movie. Good time.

Saturday I was staying in and then around 12:30 someone rings the doorbell and I assume it is for Dan and then I hear him go and get it. He comes back up and says "Wolf, you up?" And I said "Yeah," thinking to myself that this was going to be interesting. He tells me two well-dressed men are downstairs waiting for me. I go down there and it is two guys from the Social Studies program. They didn't want to walk to the bank, so they bought me drinks at Goodbar. It was pretty damn cool. I like free drinks.

Sunday I started my big ass paper, I continued it yesterday and I'll finish it up today. So that is good. It sucked on Sunday because there was no new Simpsons, but this Sunday there will be two new episodes, so I'll live.

I'm getting excited for this semester to be over and to move into our new place and the fact that I'll be here over the summer (even though my reasons for staying over the summer didn't exactly pan out the way I had envisioned, all is still good).

Oh yeah, my car was broken into again...if you can call it that. Ever since my window was smashed I just leave my car unlocked and nothing of value in it. This way the crackhead can just open the door, go through my car and take nothing of importance. This time around all of 15 cents was taken. I don't think I'll miss it.

Well, that's about all I can think of...leave a comment...or don't. Probably the latter.

Random:

If "ignorance is bliss" then I must be the most well-informed person on the planet.

Robin Hood Was A Socialist...

Think about it...It'll blow your mind!!! And if it doesn't than you're not thinking hard enough.


I was reading my latest AP a couple weeks ago and in it they said that Conan O'Brien has a subscription. I have a subscription!! That means Conan and I have subscriptions to the same magazine!!! How cool is that?!?! Even cooler, when Conan is burned out after a show, he goes into his office, grabs one of his guitars, and plays along to Clash albums. Just when I think I can't get a bigger chubby for him, I go and read that.


Thanks to everyone who has emptied their cache of cliche words for me (you like that?). I don't mean that disrespectfully. Hell, most of you started the remarks with "I know this is cliche, but..." I know. These are the same things I would say and I appreciate it. ("It's trite and cliche to say, 'trite and cliche'").


In Concert News:

The Aquabats are playing Buffalo this summer. I'm stoked.

The Warped Tour that's hitting Darien looks real good: MxPx, Thrice, Offspring, Avenged Sevenfold, Atreyu, Emery, Mae, Hawthorne Heights, Dropkick Murphys, Zao, Dillinger Escape Plan, etc...no Billy Idol on that date though (sad face).


I broke down and downloaded some Mustard Plug songs. Since that bitch Timony Kobar (or however you spell that whore's name) never gave me back my cds, which I repeatedly asked for, and she flat out said, "no Kyle, I am a giant slut-bitch and am keeping your cds." (ok, maybe she didn't call herself a giant slut-bitch). That is when I stopped trusting girls with giant racks...that can hold lots of cds that is. Anyway, I've been planning on rebuying them ever since, but now like 6 years later I never had. But I don't think this is stealing since I bought the albums before. Your thoughts?


Oh man, I'm so excited for tomorrow, or today, or yesterday, or whatever...depending on when you read this...because Jim and Kim are coming up. Dan, Me, Matt, Kim, Jim and Greg are all going to go get wings from Duffs and then do something fun for the night. Should be an awesome time.


My boy Cool Tom is going to Korea within a month or so to teach English. That should be a blast for him. I am very excited for him having the opportunity to do this and taking it.


Speaking of Tom, I sent him the first 20 or so pages of my much asked about (ok, not a single person has ever asked me about it) "Birdhouse" script. He read it over and liked it. I asked him to add anything he wanted to or to critique it. So I'll get that from him sometime in the next week or so. If you want to see what I have so far or read the skeleton outline, just ask. I like feedback. My goal is to finish it this summer when I don't have school stuff to do, and will feel more creative.


Random:

There are people in this world who "get it" and those who "don't." If you don't know what I mean by this, then you fall into the "don't" category. Sorry.

...Then You Die.

Hey Online Stalkers,

I'm not doing so well. I respect the situation and those involved enough not to make things public, but I just want people to know that I am going to be "working through" some real hard things for a while, so please bear with me as I will no doubtedly be super stressed. I made the biggest mistake of my life and now I have to live with it and that's as specific as I am going to get. You want to know where I am at? All I feel like listening to is Dashboard and Shai Hulud. So you can figure that out for yourself.

(Oh, and to anyone who knows what I am talking about and thinks I am being unreasonable or a dick probably hasn't talked to me, so please don't judge me without doing so. You probably have no idea what this is doing to me).

Random:

Here is an old post, from my old Journal. Enjoy.



Sunday, February 1st, 2004
1:46 pm

Matt Journal Entry

Since my roommate Matt is too "cool" to make and keep an online journal, I am going to make an entry into mine on his behalf. The rest of this post is to be read as if Matt Lea wrote it:



Hey buddies,
What's goin on? Well it's been a couple days since my last post. Friday Kyle and I hung out for a while, since Dan was at work til like 10. So when I got out of work, Kyle and I went to Duff's for wings. We got there and ordered our wings. Kyle went to the bathroom and like a minute after he got back, our wings were ready. It was awesome. Kyle asked the waitress for some water and 10 minutes later she still didn't bring any. Then he asked her again, and I asked her for one too. She never brought us our waters, so we left her two pennies for a tip! When we got home we hung out with Dan. Man, Dan and Kyle are so nice to me. The whole time they were trying to hug me and give me open mouth kisses. I don't know why, but I never kissed them back. I think I'm questioning my sexuality.

When I woke up Saturday, Dan and Kyle were already out in the living room watching a MadTV marathon on Comedy Central. To be nice, the two of them kept bringing out their nut sacks and tried to "trick" me to look. They both kept chasing me with their balls hanging out trying to get me to touch them. Whenever Kyle wipped his out, the whole room filled with the scent of Salt and Vinegar chips. I think it was because he wouldn't shower all day. Later on, Kyle touched my balls when I was trying to annoy him. Unlike him and Dan though, my balls were in my pants. So after I read for a while, I watched "dude, where's my car?" with Dan and Kyle. I hate that movie so much, but for some reason I laughed more than the two of them combined! Later on, I asked Kyle to go to Pizza Hut with me, so he finally showered. When he was getting naked, he had his sweatpants at his ankles and his ball exposed and started chasing me. I think he was trying to show me how much they swelled up since I punched him there earlier that day. Anyway, Dan had to work, so it was just Kyle and me going to Pizza Sluts (lol). When we were there, I got mad at Kyle because he kept being nice to me and complimenting me. Then we came home and watched some TV. Kyle being the idiot that he is went to bed at like 1 because he was "tired" and left me all alone. So I stayed up until like 4 with the TV real loud so he couldn't sleep (lol).

Well biznitches, I gotta work now. Peace.

Super Rad! (edited)

We have a problem...

With my newest FHM I got a 100 Sexiest Women in the World 2005 "supplement." Great, I love sexy women. Love 'em. Love, love, love, love, love 'em . Page after page of them. Can't get enough. But here's the problem, Natalie Portman is at number 49. That's not high enough. She is one up from last year, when she was at 50, but I'm still not satisfied. She should be number one. Come on FHM, Angelina Jolie at number 1 ?!?!?! Not acceptable. The worst part of it is that Keira Knightley went from number 54 last year, to number 11 this year!! How can she be 38 girls higher than Natalie Portman, when she is a poor man's Natalie Portman. Hell, she even played a double for Natalie Portman in Star Wars Episode One!!! Give me a break!

In related news, Eva Longoria is at number 38 and damn is she hott. Still doesn't make me want to watch Desperate Housewives....well, maybe.

Oh, and Paris Hilton was number 3, so that just totally discredits FHM on the issue of sexiest women.



I hung out with Greg last night. We went to Bullfeathers and had some beers. And no, I don't call it "Bullies" because that is stupid, like you. It was good catching up and trading stories. Good times.

Matt and I hung out Friday night and watched I Heart Huckabees. Good flick. I recommend it.

Kelly Clarkson = Guilty pleasure that I'm not so guilty about.

Random:

"I am an endless source of useless information"

"A tank of gas is a treasure to me"

"I Don't Know, Faggot"

Well I made it back to Buffalo safely. Man does it suck. Leaving Florida and driving into Buffalo as it was snowing was like "going from color t.v. to black and white."

Here is a recap of things that I remember from our crazy ass trip to Florida. Enjoy.

In the car stuff:
-Jeff sticks his head out the back window to feel the wind in his face. Kris sticks out his head, looks at Jeff and spits right in his face.
-Jerky farts.
-"Road Warriors! Unite!" at the rest area.
-Kris after finally going to the bathroom, "Ah, my balls feel so much better." "Uh, Kris, urine isn't stored in the balls."
-"Shut the fuck up Kris!" "Shut the fuck up Matt!" "Shut the fuck up Jeff!" "Shut the fuck up Kyle!"
-We picked up this woman who ran out of gas and took her to get some and then back to her car. In the process of me asking her questions, we find out that her family consists of, "my boyfriend, his wife, and their kid." They all live together and apparently drive together.
-Kris and I sitting in the backseat playing "Grab Ass" as I like to call it.
-After listening to "Pour Some Sugar on Me" Kris still didn't want me pouring my sugar all over his face.
-Making fun of people from High school as we drove around.
-Cranking the radio and dancing for the passengers in the other cars.
-Kris "What are you reading about?"
Me "The history of the bra."
Kris "What's that?"
Me "The history of the Bra"
Kris "Who were they?"
Me "It's about the history of the bra."
Kris "What did they do?"
Me "The history of the female bra...the one they wear."
Kris "Ohhh"

The temperature at the beaches always being upper 80s lower 90s.

I bought the first two episodes of Star Wars on DVD and the gay guy at Best Buy totally hitting on me.

The 16 year old girl with braces hitting on me as I tried to mack it to the older, hotter girl.

The fact that those were the only two people to show any interest in me.

I asked this guy for directions to this club and he was a Neo-Nazi/Skinhead and most likely thought I was his "Aryan Brother"

When we got to this club, for Jeff's Birthday, the cover for under 21 was 20 bucks!! And it was a strip-club...only a little nicer than Pleasure and Passions, if you can believe that. Actually it is probably in-between Pleasure and Passions and Tzer's (which coincidently are the only strip clubs I have ever been to). All the strippers were drunk and smoking...cigarettes that is. Then they played "Putting for Pussy." You wadded up a dollar bill and tried to throw it into an empty pitcher. If you made it, you then tried to putt a golfball into a whiskey glass convienantly placed in front of a woman's vagina as she sat spread eagle. If you were able to do this Adult Double Dare task you won a trip to Cancun. None of us won, unfortuntely. It was a pretty crazy night. Originally we were going to go to a regular dance club because they were having a "wet peck" and male "best ass" contest for the ladies. For some reason that sounded like fun to us. Sadly though, it was 21 and older, so J-Hog couldn't get in. That's when we decided to go to this other club (which we didn't know was a strip club) to see the "best girl on girl kiss." This event never took place, and we drove 2 hours round trip to see it.

We ate a whole pan of lasagna in one sitting.

"Who is this guy?"

"What's this guy talking about?"

We saw an old man at the beach sunbathing, in a thong. It was gross because for a split second we all thought it was a topless chick wearing a thong, but it was really a hairless old man.

Matt got "hit 0n" by a bartender, so we ordered a pizza. (I know that doesn't make any sense)

Said pizza was disgusting.

When it rained, it only rained for like 20 minutes and then turned beautiful again.

Body surfing is fun, but can be painful.

Sunburns are sucky.

Fuck Buffalo and snow.

Passing the sewage treatment plant on the way to the beach was lame.

We all bought matching sunglasses and they are awesome.

Lotioning one another up, because let's face it, no one else would have.


We played a TON of Mario Golf and Mario Kart.


Well that's all I can remember for right now. Guys, feel free to leave comments adding to this list.


Time to get back into the real world.

Random:

My vacation was random enough.